Case report, student, 20 years old
What made you decide to seek help?
I noticed changes in myself. Some of them — I’ll call them symptoms — I had been carrying around for years. From time to time, for no clear reason, I felt restless inside. The feeling is comparable to exam anxiety, or the queasiness you get before a date. It came up especially on public transport. I was also more listless than before. I often couldn’t get over my own inertia. I had the feeling that there was nothing but hopelessness in my life. Happy, beautiful moments were always brief and passed quickly, and sooner or later hopelessness set in again. It felt as though I had to fight my way through, week by week. I endured my life, or rather the state I was in. I was no longer living my life, just enduring it. I was only living from one night out to the next, because in between there was nothing nice. I also had thoughts that suicide might be a last option. I never had concrete plans, and I never attempted it, but the thought did keep returning. At some point I realised: like this I might be able to get through more days, weeks, or even months. But I couldn’t and wouldn’t bear this state for decades.
Recently panic attacks had been added to that. In those moments I had the feeling that I was losing myself in my own thoughts. My body was still present in this world, but it felt as if my thoughts could tear loose from the body. It felt like I was getting lost in my thoughts and isolating myself from the world. It felt as if my body would remain as an empty vessel, which brought with it the fear of being trapped forever in this cage of thoughts with no way of communicating with the world. I then tried, with all my concentration, to hold on to the real world through conversations and interactions with the people around me so that I would remain present not only physically but also mentally. Even so, I had the sense of “flying away” with my thoughts. At some point these symptoms became so strong that the thought that I would not be able to bear this state much longer was what finally made me seek professional help. Because I realised I could not overcome this on my own.
How did you come to us?
I study at the University of Basel and wanted to look for help through the university first, because I assumed it would offer appropriate services (perhaps also at lower cost). But when I googled “university & psychotherapy”, all I found was the page of the psychology faculty. Eventually I found the contact details of the university chaplain, who referred me to the psychological counselling service for students. There the woman who took my details said that I might be suffering from schizophrenia or at least be at risk of it, and for this reason sent me to FePsy.
The fact that she mentioned the illness schizophrenia gave me quite a scare. I already had the feeling that something was wrong with me, and I was afraid of going crazy. When she then explicitly mentioned the illness “schizophrenia”, I thought I had an incurable disease with terrible consequences, or that I might one day suffer from it. To be honest I didn’t have a clear idea of what it really meant. I only knew the probably common association with schizophrenia, namely the split personality such as Gollum from “Lord of the Rings” has. (Editor’s note: see the page “Symptoms” to learn what schizophrenia really means.) When I first came here I was above all afraid and wanted to finally know what was wrong with me. Of course I hoped I wasn’t suffering from schizophrenia or anything similar.
How did you experience the assessment here?
The examinations here took quite a long time, simply because many factors have to be taken into account. But that’s how it has to be, since there is (as yet) no other way. So I got one test behind me after another and hoped for the best. There was nothing else I could do other than wait for the results. In the end I was simply relieved when the results were communicated to me and I was told I was not ill. There was only a small probability that I could develop an illness.
How have you been since we told you that you have an increased risk of developing a psychosis?
The moment I was told that I am not crazy but simply have a slightly elevated risk of developing a psychotic illness was, honestly speaking, not a big moment for me. It wasn’t like passing the school-leaving exam. A feeling of wanting to hug the whole world never came up. By that time I was already feeling considerably better thanks to the regular appointments here, and that was the most important thing for me.
How did those around you react to the assessment and the diagnosis?
At first I told a few people I trusted. I told them that I come here regularly and why. To my surprise, everyone reacted positively and supported me. It did me good to notice that people are behind me, even when I’m not doing well. It meant even more to me because at the time, when things were getting worse, I had only little contact with other people. I don’t want to go into too much detail here and will only highlight the most important thing: personally, I suspect that loneliness, or the fear of loneliness, was what first drove me into that hole.
What would you advise others in your situation?
Overcome your own inertia, however enormous it may seem! Actively do something to climb out of that hole, whether alone, with friends, or with professional help — just do something. In my experience you don’t get out of it just like that, and it is important to take active steps. Stop enduring a state that is not worth living, and do something about it. Life has its beautiful sides too, even if they don’t reveal themselves in those dark moments. They are there, those beautiful sides! Have the courage to reach for them. For me that was definitely the right step in the right direction.
Even if you might think it impossible, you are not alone with the symptoms. I too initially thought I was the only person with such abnormal thoughts and symptoms. But that isn’t true.
It is also important to know that things do not have to stay hopeless — there are better days again. Today I am at a point where I can say that things are looking up and that, in the long term as well as in brief moments, I can feel happy in everyday life. I notice that the emotional coldness is receding and I am once again able to feel more emotions. The feeling, or the thought, that I merely have to endure life and fight my way through day by day is giving way more and more to the feeling of being able to savour and enjoy life.